I built a fence. And tore another down.
I’m the self-professed queen of flat-packed building. Over the years I have achieved my expert status thanks to Ikea. So why did I build a fence?
Chickens! My free roaming chicken were destroying my garden, digging up everything. My once green garden was being upturned and looking shabby. So as I saw it, I had 2 options – a fence to create a ‘chicken’s only’ space or a roast dinner.
I have never trusted myself to create something of my own. This lack of confidence was amplified due to an emotionally abusive relationship I was in for way too long.
I used to be a decision maker. I used to trust my instincts.
But after having every decision I made being questioned and ridiculed I went into a silent retreat. I held out my white flag and stopped making decisions.
I won’t go into the details of my relationship but I will say I reached the point where I wasn’t even able to decide what to cook for dinner, heaven forbid I cooked something that had too many vegetables, or undercooked (red) meat or just cooked something that wasn’t perfect – I was stuck. I couldn’t make any decisions.
But one day, I woke up to this. My life was passing me by and I wasn’t living.
I had just had my second child, a girl. But I felt alone, isolated. I remember sitting alone one night with my two children during the pre-bed beasty o’clock crying because I didn’t understand why I was doing this on my own.
I was thinking about my children and how I didn’t want my son to grow up and think that it was okay to treat their partner the way I was being treated. And I didn’t want my daughter to be treated as I was being treated.
I made my first decision – I decided to take control and reclaim my life.
I ended my “relationship” – it was never going to end well. My life, as I knew it blew up. It was hard. But it did make me realise how amazing my family and friends are. I realised I am not alone. I am loved. I am capable. I am strong.
It has been over a year since the relationship ended – and I have never been happier.
I am still a work in progress, but I am not letting life get the better of me, I will not let others leave me feeling like I am insignificant.
So, I built a fence and realised how it was a tad symbolic of those inner fences I tore down. Something that used to make me feel restricted now offers freedom. Freedom to make decisions and live life the way I want to. Complete with happy chickens and a happy garden.